Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
good work, everybody
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.