Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
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Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
that colleague who touches your screen
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.