SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
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going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Who called it cremation and not ashashination