Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
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I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I didn’t come here to be called names
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!