Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
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It hurts my feelings when people call me a failure. I’d rather people think of me as successfully challenged.
when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
*Kylo Ren pranks calls Finn*
Hey Finn I bet you shop at
*High fives Hux*
Many said I couldn’t crossbreed peacocks and flamingos. Yet, I stand here today with my beloved flamingcocks as an inspiration to our youth.