Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

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Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.


It hurts my feelings when people call me a failure. I’d rather people think of me as successfully challenged.


when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away


Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.


My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!


Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO


*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are


My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”


*Kylo Ren pranks calls Finn*

Hey Finn I bet you shop at

*dramatic pause*

Traitor Joes!!!

*High fives Hux*


Many said I couldn’t crossbreed peacocks and flamingos. Yet, I stand here today with my beloved flamingcocks as an inspiration to our youth.