most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
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Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.