@GrandadJFreeman

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

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@tchrquotes

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

@squidswards

Teachers are sometimes like an alarm clock. They won’t shut up when you’re trying to sleep.

@LittleMissAngr1

I told my neighbour that I love alliteration and he said books are good. I’ve been trying to process that for the last 17 hours.

@mattZillaaaa

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

@abuya_henry

The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to go take a shower.

@ingerlishman

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

@david8hughes

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot