Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

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Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.


Teachers are sometimes like an alarm clock. They won’t shut up when you’re trying to sleep.


I told my neighbour that I love alliteration and he said books are good. I’ve been trying to process that for the last 17 hours.


Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.


The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to go take a shower.


Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.


[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot