Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

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When someone shows you they don’t want to be a part of your life, let them go.

I’m not saying you can’t make a voodoo doll of them, though.


Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you’re on Twitter and don’t even read books.


There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.


DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.


UNCLE: Officers weren’t even safe from their own men in Vietnam.
ME: I’ve just decided it’s too hard to zoom in on any more dogs’ noses.


They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron


nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…


“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class


I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.


Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”