“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
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Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.