Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
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My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya