@CarpentersCrack

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

@envydatropic

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

@robwhisman

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

@ArfMeasures

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:9:”SCBamaMan”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3664939858/aebdc51cccec378baf7466d1a3ee10fb_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347903923488690180″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”65″;s:5:”tweet”;s:101:”*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@envydatropic

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

@LorieGZ

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.