@AnkCoupleTO

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

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@mommajessiec

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

@SirEviscerate

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

@lecalabara

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

@jellybnbonanza

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

@AaronFullerton

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

@OakHill_

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

@Leemanish

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

@AndyAsAdjective

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

@_SingleBabyMama

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.