@Parkerlawyer
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
@AnkCoupleTO
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
You Might Also Like
@Parkerlawyer
@dakarrier
eharmony just matched me with a dozen donuts
@itsnashflynn
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
@LuvPug
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
@HomeWithPeanut
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
@RoosterMustache
ME: want anything for breakfast?
BOSS: just banana
[struggling to hold office door shut]
ANA: let me in!
ME: sorry boss said to ban you
@moodymeg01
my dog and my sex life have a lot in common.. I don’t have a dog.
@dafloydsta
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
@JJRossReaders
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
@mstern68
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro