Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

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My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.


you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak


I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running


I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.


ME: want anything for breakfast?

BOSS: just banana

[struggling to hold office door shut]

ANA: let me in!

ME: sorry boss said to ban you


my dog and my sex life have a lot in common.. I don’t have a dog.


ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.


My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now


Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro