Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
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[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure