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I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…


We should let prisoners take their own mug shots…I shall call it “The cellfie”


A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?



Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.


Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.


Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.


Wife: What would you do if I died?

Husband: I would go crazy

Wife: Would you re-marry?

Husband: Ah, not that crazy..


Yoga is really kicking in. I’m seeing the definition in my arms and overall flexibility. My vibrator is gonna be really impressed.


Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting


“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”


Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.


[high school reunion]

girl i had a major crush on: so what have you been up to?

me: oh you know just the usual astronaut stuff

girl: oh i–

me: hang on i need to take this *holding phone upside down* hi nasa. yes yes the moon. and planets, yes. not pluto tho haha. k luv u bye