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@Fred_Delicious

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

@stevevsninjas

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

@parker287

My friend’s crazy, he left a bunch of chocolate balls on the floor in his cat’s litter box, they’re not that good.

@NicestHippo

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

@jackiembouvier

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

@heyitsJudeD

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

@LuvPug

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

@over_rated

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians