I just got arrested for felonious mopery
You Might Also Like
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma: