@Sarcasmo718

Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.

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@SuperApple80

No Botox for me, thanks. I just keep getting fatter to fill out the wrinkles.

@gossiped

i used to be good at math but then i finished 1st grade

@PaperFury

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

@VaguelyFunnyDan

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

@Bagyants

“What a nut job” I exclaimed, on my first day as President of Almonds

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.

@blade_funner

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?