Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.

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Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?


me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!


(i go up to lady pushing baby in stroller and put my foot up on the stroller to address the baby) hey baby… is this woman bothering you


What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?


10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.


The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children’s book that teaches us that it’s ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they’re dead.


[breaking up with girlfriend via the jumbotron]

“Hey, check out the scoreboard while I grab a hot dog.”


My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”


Wife: Do you want waffles or pancakes for breakfast?
Me: “Or”?