@Sarcasmo718

Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.

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@Goggner

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

@MarfSalvador

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

@machiavellino

(i go up to lady pushing baby in stroller and put my foot up on the stroller to address the baby) hey baby… is this woman bothering you

@TheBoydP

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

@dadmann_walking

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

@jergarl

The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children’s book that teaches us that it’s ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they’re dead.

@withanewname

[breaking up with girlfriend via the jumbotron]

“Hey, check out the scoreboard while I grab a hot dog.”

@_SingleBabyMama

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

@Playing_Dad

Wife: Do you want waffles or pancakes for breakfast?
Me: “Or”?