No Botox for me, thanks. I just keep getting fatter to fill out the wrinkles.
Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.
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*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
i used to be good at math but then i finished 1st grade
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
“What a nut job” I exclaimed, on my first day as President of Almonds
Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
anxiety: u up?
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?