[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
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I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I beg your pardon?
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.