Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.

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No Botox for me, thanks. I just keep getting fatter to fill out the wrinkles.


i used to be good at math but then i finished 1st grade


• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person


When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!


“What a nut job” I exclaimed, on my first day as President of Almonds


Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.


ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?