Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
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Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Choose your fighter
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Cashiers are always checking me out
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me: