Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

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I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers


[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.


[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.


I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone


friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason


I hate when people think my real name is Jennifer, because it’s not, it’s Jennitalia.


[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die


Day one of my juice cleanse: I feel incredible!
Day two: I have carjacked an ice cream truck and fought the manager of Bed Bath & Beyond.


Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too