Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
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Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.