Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Hmm, not sure about this change
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
The real reason evolution started..😂
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.