Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

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If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?


Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]


Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.


Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.


Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”


Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.


My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.


Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?