@StevieKnip

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

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@timdonakowski

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

@dubiousrhetoric

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

@notalogin

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

@TheDairylandDon

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

@Marlebean

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

@FUN

Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?