Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
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6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Erm I’m gonna say no
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.