@QwertyJones3

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

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@ch000ch

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

@SardonicTart

[Sunday morning]

Me: Finally a day I can sleep in

Birds: We’ll see about that lol

@realHamOnWry

I’ll bet Miss Piggy kissed a lot of princes before she found her frog.

@SomthinBoutSara

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

@1followernodad

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

@UnFitz

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

@OhhScarlet23

My husband and I have been in an open marriage for five years. I hope he’s ok with it when he finds out.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.