Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

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take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there


[Sunday morning]

Me: Finally a day I can sleep in

Birds: We’ll see about that lol


I’ll bet Miss Piggy kissed a lot of princes before she found her frog.


You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!


My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.


Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.


My husband and I have been in an open marriage for five years. I hope he’s ok with it when he finds out.


Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.