Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

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My boyfriend isn’t allowed to have candles on his birthday cake…Wtf are you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.


#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff



Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs


Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.


I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’


Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans


Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships


[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there


When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God’s pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.