@chrisrockozfan

Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

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@Be___Dope

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

@BunAndLeggings

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

@SaltyCorpse

Once again I’ve managed to poke myself in the eye with my own finger like my eyes have not been in the same goddamn spot for forty five goddamn years.

@thestlouisan

My grandpa slept in snow in the Battle of the Bulge
& I’m considering throwing out this cup of water bc it has some tiny floaty things in it

@GroovyTasia

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

@_ElvishPresley_

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

@MrsGoose69

Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”

@mattZillaaaa

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

@ixix82

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!