@SardonicTart

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

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@KimmyMonte

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

@daemonic3

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

@GianDoh

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

@KeetPotato

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

@justliamwilson

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

@KalvinMacleod

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2?4? 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

@AuthorGaylord

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

@junejuly12

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.