Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

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Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.


[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”



Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.


dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”


So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.



It has been

2?4? 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.


5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going


They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.