@TylerComeOn

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

It’s simple meth.

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@ilovepie84

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

@surrealvehicle

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

@MichaelTrying

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

@MichaelLarrick

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

@UncleDuke1969

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

@Parkerlawyer

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

@SkippyMcGizzard

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

@AimeeHelene1

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.