Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

It’s simple meth.

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Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.


boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak


The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?


Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.


*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?


My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”


Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.


How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries


I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.