Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
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Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.