@ddsmidt

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

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@TragicAllyHere

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

@_wendyb07

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

@DanorSlim

If you wear a onesie to a wedding, no one will ever invite you to another one.

@funflaps

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

@KateWhineHall

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

@LeslieDonnelly2

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

@zorgod

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

@NoLuckWanted

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

@CircIeKay

Please stop selling drugs behind the store. Out front will attract more customers.