[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
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Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
If you wear a onesie to a wedding, no one will ever invite you to another one.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Please stop selling drugs behind the store. Out front will attract more customers.