@tastefactory

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

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@Marlebean

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

@TitansHomer

How do Mexicans cut their pizza?

With Little Ceasars

*drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage*

@Iwriteforcats

The best part about being a comma is that you’re usually followed by a nice big BUT.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

@DaddyJew

Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan that’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance

@samalmightysam

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

@Darlainky

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

@rickygervais

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

@trentistweeting

“My date was cute but he couldnt perform in the bedroom.”
*cuts to me in bedroom butchering Wonderwall on guitar* i swear this never happens