Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

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I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.


“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child


Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch


First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”


When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young!!


If I tell you I’m “breaking out the fine china,” I just mean the expensive paper plates.


*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch


*on a date *

Her: I love hiking, camping…I LOVE THE OUTDOORS!

* trying to impress *

Me: I live outside.

Her: What?

Me: I’m homeless.