I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
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How do Mexicans cut their pizza?
With Little Ceasars
*drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage*
The best part about being a comma is that you’re usually followed by a nice big BUT.
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan that’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
“My date was cute but he couldnt perform in the bedroom.”
*cuts to me in bedroom butchering Wonderwall on guitar* i swear this never happens