Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

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I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids


How do Mexicans cut their pizza?

With Little Ceasars

*drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage*


The best part about being a comma is that you’re usually followed by a nice big BUT.


[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers


Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan that’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance


Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.


I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?


I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.


“My date was cute but he couldnt perform in the bedroom.”
*cuts to me in bedroom butchering Wonderwall on guitar* i swear this never happens