Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
You Might Also Like
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists