STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
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If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Just a phase…
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
checking out some reviews of my local library
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?