Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren’t making phone calls on, every year.
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
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When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
*Pauses Titanic during the most romantic part*
*Turns to GF*
“You know, Contra was really easy. But I still liked using the 100 life code”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?