@DCpierson

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

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@Zombieionism

Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren’t making phone calls on, every year.

@FuttyNudgekins

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

@citizenkawala

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

@Duchess______

I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.

@68Cly29

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

@johnbiehl

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

@Mikecanrant

*Pauses Titanic during the most romantic part*

*Turns to GF*

“You know, Contra was really easy. But I still liked using the 100 life code”

@nbadag

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes