Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce