MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
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Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
PARKOUR
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
When you’re Kinky but poor
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.