NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
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*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”