@badbanana

Most unrealistic scene in Pacific Rim? Hundreds take shelter in a bunker during a monster attack. Not one person is tweeting.

Most unrealistic scene in Pacific Rim? Hundreds take shelter in a bunker during a monster attack. Not one person is tweeting.

- @badbanana

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@stevevsninjas

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

@pizza_dragon

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

@junejuly12

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

@audipenny

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

@k_lli

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

@robin_991

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

@bdbdleeroybrown

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

@TweetsByKaylee

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

@TweetPotato314

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?