Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
You Might Also Like
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies