“TGIM!” – My liver
Most unrealistic scene in Pacific Rim? Hundreds take shelter in a bunker during a monster attack. Not one person is tweeting.
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One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
ALEX TREBEK: it says here that you are on jeopardy
AT: this can’t be your fun fact
ME: *whispers* i don’t have anything else ok