Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

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CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)


Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son


Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.


my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die


Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.


I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.


I just want a woman that will look out for me while I’m shaking the vending machine


Well well well if it isn’t my old nemesis, long division.


After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.