CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
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Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I just want a woman that will look out for me while I’m shaking the vending machine
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Well well well if it isn’t my old nemesis, long division.
After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.