Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you
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Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
“Are you seeing anyone?”
Me: lately I’ve been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision.
Floaty thing: We’re just friends.
*leaves a “beautiful eyes” comment on all your leg selfies
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.