most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you

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Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea


Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised


i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order


“Are you seeing anyone?”

Me: lately I’ve been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision.

Floaty thing: We’re just friends.


Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here


A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?


[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss


[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*


My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.