[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
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People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?