@shariv67

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

- @shariv67

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@velcrofannypack

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

@NewDadNotes

God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.

@Easy_Tiger__

People who take things literally on twitter, stop.

Wait. First take this tweet literally, then stop.

@WheelTod

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

@BlindChow

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

@junejuly12

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

@Bexdora

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

@DanMentos

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle