Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

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THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What


My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.


I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.


Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.


{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.


5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.


*deliberately drops paper in front of cute girl*
Oh my goodness was that my…(sexy voice) political science degree


If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.


Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize,you are a mile away from them & have their shoes