@ddsmidt

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

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@13spencer

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

@gruffybeard

Counselor: Why do you resent your wife

Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix

C: Why

M: Something about her water breaking

@Playing_Dad

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

@mrtiredeyes

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

@awkwardenabled

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

@yoyoha

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times lets face it you’re a jerk and I’m stupid

@SkinnerSteven

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

@protolalia

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

@fro_vo

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

@ReeseButCallMeV

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.