Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
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my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I want what they have
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this