Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
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Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.