*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
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Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.