Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

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Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.


Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread


Meant to say, “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.” What came out: “I’m available anytime”


Q: When is Santa’s birthday?

A: Since Santa comes once a year and he’s married, Santa’s birthday is December 25th


I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.


They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.


My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.


my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards


I hope you understand how difficult this situation is for celebrities. Instead of being pampered and flattered by everyone, we are forced to sit in our homes just like regular people. Please don’t forget about us. Any kind words of support would be appreciated. #AdoptACelebrity


DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol


ME: you want a sugar cube?