Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
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Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…