Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
You Might Also Like
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?