Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
You Might Also Like
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.