Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
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Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I am never leaving this website
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Salad is the decaf of food.