*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
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Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.