Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
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If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
who wants to go expliring
Still laughing at this stupid meme
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings