“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Mother Earth: Whose fault is this?
*tectonic plate brothers point at each other*
You Might Also Like
I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Things Red Bull has given me:
3) a heart attack
Things Red Bull has not given me:
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.
Him: *breaks down crying
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.