@Mr_Kapowski

Mother Earth: Whose fault is this?

*tectonic plate brothers point at each other*

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@UnFitz

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

@Kendragarden

I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.

@Darlainky

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

@kristensauce

Things Red Bull has given me:
1) jitters
2) diarrhea
3) a heart attack

Things Red Bull has not given me:
1) wings

@HatfieldAnne

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

@MissSassy_Pants

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

@Carbosly

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

@GeriatricBeards

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

@TheToddWilliams

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.