if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
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Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…