To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Mother in law: Do you think you will have any more children?
Me: Oh, no. His pull out game is strong
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Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking-
*mouse passengers squeal with delight*
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I’m an idiot
Me: Don’t ask. They swore me to secrecy.