To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
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I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
They’re not wrong
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.